She turned to a blank page. She stared at it for a few minutes before actually writing anything. Guilt ridden, she wrote these words: I am a slave to the pain and taste, feel and touch of sex. I breathe humiliation being thrust upon me like a child being chastised. Will the Lord ever forgive me for this habitual transgression – this lust of the flesh? I feel as though I can’t shake it. Every time I think I want to let it go, I give in and give up and let the pain, not the dominant, act as my master. Will this internal struggle ever end for me? It calls out to me in the middle of the night when I am lonely. I can’t believe I actually thanked God for bringing Cassius into my life because he enjoyed giving pain as much as I enjoyed receiving it. It’s a crying shame to say I can not see a day when I will let go of this thrill and rush I get with every infliction of pain to my body. Help me, Lord! The clock on the night stand next to Cassius displayed in large red numbers the time of two. What I mean is that I’m not going to be getting pregnant.’ At the completely startled look on Mike’s face, she continued, ‘I wanted to get pregnant because I thought it would be the most fulfilling physical experience of my life. I wanted to feel, within my own body, what it was like to intimately hold another human being – to be one with another person even if it was only for nine months. But after Christmas, I had to admit that it would be impossible for me to ever experience anything that could top the intimacy that I shared with you. Even carrying a child in my womb couldn’t compare to what you and I had. Therefore, I dropped the idea of artificial insemination. I will be going forward with my plans to adopt, but I won’t follow up on the other.’ Mike couldn’t have been more surprised if she had told him that she was an alien. He knew that he had never experienced anything like the passion that they had shared, but, to hear Chrissy admit that it had meant just as much to her,.
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